Today was a good day. I went to a bbq and met new boys even though none were available or had interest in me. Then in the evening I had an impromptu "Lonely Ladies" (aka LoLa) night with a friend and the Sex And The City Movie.
Do you know any other way to celebrate independence?
I've been a bit blue this week. This was supposed to be the week the Canadian was going to visit me. I've been doing well so far. I had a long stretch of time where I didn't think about him at all. It's just this week that I'm remembering. And I admit that I miss him, but I'm not sure what I miss - him, the company, or the idea that someone out there adored me.
Will I ever find another guy whose eyes light up when I enter the room?
I suppose these thoughts come to mind as I see my friends struggle in their relationships. I just hope their struggle toward a common goal - a successful relationship. Sometimes I want to ask them "what does this successful relationship look like?" because everyone seems to want that so much. For my friend it would mean marriage and children. For the Canadian, for whom my question originated, I think he'd say one that would last forever, especially after his two marriages ended.
It just dawned on me that as we get older and recover from the relationship war wounds, we either take bigger risks or become afraid. Risk-taker because you've lived through it all and now you can survive any ordeal. Or afraid because you just don't want to make another mistake and end up hurt.
I'm going to be a risk-taker.
Recently my girlfriend G and her bf broke up. She was devastated. You see, she's the type of girl who needs her self-worth validated by a man. I was certain she would never break up with him. She needs him too much; any man too much. So, I was shocked at the break up.
I thought for sure she'd do anything to make it work.
And I guess I was right because she's going to give it another go with the guy. I can't hold that against her. I did the same with the Canadian. But now that she's back together with him, I can't help but ask...
Did she learn anything about herself?
Here's a dear friend of mine who can't even see how fantastic she is. Who has just barely scrapped the surface of what she's capable of. She's afraid unless she has someone (ie: a guy) reinforce her. I bet she wouldn't have been so afraid to show off her 112lbs frame at the beach if her bf was around. I just watch her end up with these insecure, relationship inexperienced boys. Then she complains that they don't want the relationship to progress; they have trouble communicating; she constantly has to validate them...I wonder if she'll ever get it.
You act insecure, you attract insecure.
She says she wishes she could be more like me - adventurous, risk-taking, etc. What's stopping her? Nothing. Anything she believes is a barrier is an illusion. It's all a choice. I have (unfounded) hang-ups, too, but I hope I'm pushing through my fears to be a stronger person.
If everything works out, then that's wonderful. It means there was some sort of transformation between the two and they've become stronger for it. It's not for me to tell her what to do, what to think, what to realize from her experiences. That's her own discovery.
But I can't help, but think that this was the same friend who encouraged me, everytime, to dump the guy. It doesn't seem fair somehow...
I slept most of today because I'm getting sick. When i'm awake I just cough and now I have a funny nose. What the hell is happening to my body? When did I develop such a weak immune system?
During one of my sleeping sessions I had a dream about The Canadian. I was in line for another cruise when I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I decided to ignore him and pray that he wouldn't spot me, but he did and started to move in my direction. Immediately, I turned and walked quickly the other way. He didn't pursue, but our mutual friend Cruise G did.
Cruise G: Why are you ignoring the Canadian? He looked really hurt.
Me thinking: He's hurt? He's hurt?!
Me: I don't see why I have to talk to him. We're strangers now. He got what he wanted - to fuck me. It's better if we're not in each others' lives.
Cruise G didn't understand, but I didn't feel like talking anymore. In my dream I left the port; took off and left all my luggage behind.
If he knows what's best for him, he'd forget all about me and find that person who will fit his agenda perfectly - on the same timeline, in the same location, wanting the same thing - a successful relationship.
And I know what's best for me is to remove people from my life who treat me with such little regard.
I'm sending out cosmic energy on this mystical day. I'm envisioning a future for the Earth and for me.
Is it selfish to ask for someone who will spend these beautiful weekends with me?
Maybe I should think of it different way.
I'd love to spend this beautiful weekend with you, whoever you are.
I read this post on ...Says the Single Girl and wanted to repost. I read the blogger's (a guy) reasons for why good women couldn't find good men.
I know I've been silent lately, but I hope I'm not turning bitter and jaded. In LA it's easy to become that way, then turn inward and just be selfish. I've stopped chasing the "wrong guy" I think. Based on the men I have been attracted to recently, I've learned to drop my "list" of deal breakers because it really doesn't matter in the end.
I think the tough part of this guy's list of "what [we're] doing wrong" is stop looking. I haven't been actively seeking, but I haven't been very available either. I do go out, but where am I going? Gay bars. Goth clubs. These places are fun. I can really let loose at gay bars, but none of the guys are available. Goth clubs are interesting, but it's not really me.
Sometimes I only feel like myself when I'm pole dancing or singing. Will I meet my next boyfriend pole dancing?
I don't know, neighborhood. It seems like every time a relationship ends it takes me forever to build myself back up. To feel happy with myself no matter what the situation. What is it going to take for me to be myself and just enjoy my life no matter where it leads?
Happiness is a choice. Maybe I'm just not choosing to be happy right now.
I saw this post on Double X and had to share. Air sex. Like Air guitar. But it's sex.
Hilarious! I love it!
Below are highlights from the competition in D.C. The LA competition is Friday, June 26 (same day at the Rock the Pole event for those of you who read my pole dancing blog). I think I have to go to this.
Why is Facebook recommending I befriend The Irishman? And how does it know that we know each other? We have no friends in common!
I was checking my email, the one I don't use so check only once a week. I saw some interesting SPAM.
You've been invited to join Blank Blank's MSN live network.
Who's Blank Blank..? oooOOOoooh.
The Canadian.
I forgot his name.
